My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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