FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
