He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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