Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
