my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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