How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
