Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
