my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
