i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Just pee around me
The struggles of a small town man whore
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
