i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
