new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
