she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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