I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
