Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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