My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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