i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
