I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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