i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think i have two assholes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
