I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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