Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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