even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
