You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
