hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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