woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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