i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
