I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
