There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
