the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
