is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
