yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
