I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
