i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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