Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
