hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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