im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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