Swine flu. Run for my life!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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