Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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