I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
