Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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