nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You took a bar mat shot.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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