I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
