no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
