Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
