get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
