He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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