So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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