Cold hands, warm shart.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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