Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
vagina is talking i cant
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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