my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
