So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
