I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
