Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
