I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
