My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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